Your Mama

When you first meet someone, that first interaction can color your opinion of them. Depending on the manners they display, we may make judgments about them or how they were raised.

When it comes down to it - if you are an a**hole it reflects badly on your mama.

Everybody thinks to themselves - that your mama didn't raise you right.

Your poor mama - you know she beat your a** and told you the way to be - and your stupid thickheaded self is still an ignorant asshole; and who gets blamed: mama.

So, in the spirit of your poor mama - and the stuff she told you - I have compiled a very short list of what not to do when you have a contractor over to the house to do work.

This is based on a recent experience and it compounds with other experiences when my husband and I have deigned to do work at the insistence of friends or relatives and paid dearly for our altruism.

Please note: it is extremely bad form to repay evil for good.

So here is a short punch list of how to avoid pissing of your hired (or un) help.

Ready....

Are you sure?




This might hurt to hear....



You might need to be less of an a**hole.....




Oh hell - you'll probably still be an a**hole anyway.....



so, here goes:


When a friend offers to help you out with work around your house - please be sure that the area is clear and ready to work in. Often, your friend is VOLUNTEERING most of his time - which could be better used on fixing stuff at HIS/HER house and the time it takes to clear a path through the 15 or so years of debris in your garage is not the best use of his/her donated time.

Make sure you have decided on all the work to be done in advance. Do NOT change your mind about a new sink, once the old one has be re-installed into the new countertop. It is extremely difficult to work around a sink that is already installed and - even if it is just changing out a faucet - the time to do that is BEFORE installation is complete.

When it is hotter than hell and your help is working in an un-airconditioned utility room - DO NOT TURN ON THE F*CKING DRIER... Seriously, I don't care how much laundry you have to do - LET IT WAIT. It is already like a f*cking sauna and the G-D drier just brings it closer to doing construction on the Sun - you can not pay me enough OK? Good.

When a friend is doing work for you - have respect for their time - that is where they are saving you the money. A 'real' contractor charges you by the hour and doesn't have a problem sitting around making idle chit-chat with you while he racks up money on the meter. A friend however, is wasting his vital time while you attempt to banter about insignificant bullshit. Listen - I'm here as a favor, and I have a job to do - SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME WORK. OK? We'll chat about the Cavs another time - when I'm just here for giggles.

The worst 'little' change you can make is to go from a handle to a knob. Once two holes are drilled, you can not take it back. Going from knob to handle is a piece of cake. It is not my problem that you didn't iron out your preferences while I was pressuring you to do so - ie, BEFORE I drilled all the f'ing holes.

When measuring - be accurate. No, 95 7/8 inches is NOT 96 inches. Yes it matters, and no those cabinets will NOT fit. If you don't know how to work a tape measure - do not attempt to help in this area.

When friends are working for more than 3 hours, HAVE FOOD. Come on - this should really be common courtesy - don't sit there and have a friend slaving AND starving and worse, have to stop off for fast food after busting their ass at your house all freaking day.

If you live way the hell out in BFE, be considerate. it takes us a long time to get home after we are finished - don't dilly-dally and keep us from getting done. After all the hard work, comes a long ass drive home and we are already dog-tired. Quit opening the fucking door and let us get the work done.

Have some music. It makes for a pleasant work environment, and it allows us to have a conversation. Nobody wants to hear every word they say echo through the empty silent canyon that is your house.

Have some FUCKING WATER.... I mean, come on - this also should be common decency. We are working our ass off, and getting dehydrated. We will need water, gatorade, beer to get through the day.

Once we are done - you do not have the right to call us up at 2am for any little thing that goes wrong with the installation after you have already been using it a long time without problem. Likewise, you do not have the right to call for everything ELSE in your house that breaks because we changed a light bulb. Even though the electric is all tied in, the light bulb did not make your panel blow. No we can not come out and re-wire your whole house, you screwed through the wire, you need to call the electrician and pay a real fee for a change. This is abusive.

Do: thank, and reward your friend. Take some pictures and tell your other friends about the good work, and tell them about the 'rules'. Help us make a buck, and feed us some wings or something as payback. Remember, a favor is fine, but should be re-paid, so look for a way you can help out.


Reciprocity - it's not just for breakfast anymore.

Toodles.