Family

 Family.

The word conjures up many feelings, I'm sure.

Who are your family?  Is it a positive relationship?  Is it complicated?  Is it true that everyone has a problematic aunt/uncle/cousin who we joke that we keep locked in the basement?  No?  Is that just me?

Maybe.

Maybe I am the problematic one they wish they kept locked away.

Too bad, I guess.  I'm the last one left alive.  Who's got the keys now, suckers?!

I had an experience recently where I went onto my long-estranged, and now gone from this mortal coil maternal unit's social media page.  And, well, it was the public, boomer paradise one would expect.  Thankfully, she was skeptical of the orange menace in executive power.  But she had the typical boomer takes on social issues, and a seemingly never-ending stream of affirmation memes.

What really interested me were the pictures.

See, I was looking for a very particular picture, and I knew about when it existed.... so I scrolled.

And then I stopped.  Oh, I remember this picture....  hmmm... click, hold, save picture.  Gosh, I wish I had a digital copy of this.... wow... click, hold, save picture....

And it hit me as I scrolled through pictures with me and without... I don't really exist here.  I'm not really here with the others.  

I am an outsider in my mother's world.

Yes, I knew.  The truth was painfully present as she left this mortal coil.  In the aftermath, it was a point driven home again and again in ways material, and im. 

Somehow, this hit different.

Yes, I saw my overly eager 16 year old face with relatives long gone and far too long contacted.

Yes, I saw family with whom I no longer have a relationship.

But, I also saw the negative space: who was absent.

And i was not alone in that dark recess.

It brought me to my childhood aspirations; the disappointments; the last stands; the turmoil.  Things I had long buried and ignored charged forward and demanded parlay.

Was it worth it?  Did any of it succeed?  Who did I do it for?  Was any of it really me?

And who am I now?

I'd like to say at the end I had a breakthrough.  That it all made sense.

But in the end today, there were only tears, questions, and some regrets.  

Maybe tomorrow will yield something different.  Stay tuned.