Falling

I fell in your opinion 

when I fell in love with you…..

Falling’s not the problem 

When I’m falling I’m at peace

It’s only when I hit the ground

That causes all the grief……

‘Sometimes I wish for falling’, she moans and wails in time - the music accompanies the poetry that was wrenched from her mind. 

I hear and always, pictures appear, I see the falling: remember the night – or was it day?  I fell.  I had never let go before.  And when I fell, what overwhelmed me most was the sound at first, so loud – like rushing water, and the feeling….. the falling…. and then

Silence.

Peace.

Everything was entirely still – though I continued to fall, all had ceased.

I fell, for the longest time: in perfect happiness.

I was busy taking in the sights and wonders; busy dancing with the air that rushed past me as I accelerated toward the ground.  Like that whale, I thought: I wonder if it will be friends with me?  I was so carried with my joy that the thought of harm never occurred to me.  It seemed that the peace was all I had known.  It seemed endless.  How long had I been falling?  Did it matter?

It’s only at 23:59 when we realize that it’s time to act.  Too late to pull any cords, I slammed and continued through the ground as the speed was translated through my body, and I became one with my target.

There was no extrication that would remove me from that and return me to what I was before.  There is no therapeutic protocol to overcome this traumatic insult.  No body cast, nor surgical procedure to remedy the injury.

Now, it’s only a matter of waiting.

Waiting until finally the last breath.  Each one …  each intake … I always hope it will be the last.

I feel the bones – impale me from inside.  

I laugh as I imagine, ever the masochist, carrying around my own iron maiden all these years – for this very moment.  The blood gurgles and I cough - the pain, unbearable.  

The ground, so cool: ironically the only relief from the burning pain that seems to fill every cell.  I feel as if I am melting with the heat.  And the cool earth, under and around, seeping into the broken bones is the only pleasure possible.

Shallower now, I need to stop breathing.  My body won’t stop.  It gasps involuntarily.  I wish, less, just less.  Please. 

I try to pretend, pretend I’m still falling.  Pretending that the impact won’t hurt.  I try to crawl out of the hole in the ground that my body made and return to the air.

The sound is back, the loud rushing in my ears.  This time, it’s not water; it’s my blood.  Every pump: squirt, squirt; I hear the blood pulsing still in my veins.  Please heart, just stop.  Please, you can make it all stop.  My heart never knew when to quit.