All of a sudden I have crushing chest pain.
I love my job. It is certainly not stressful. But, as I mentioned recently my personal life has been stressful. Truthfully, I was thinking about the MIL and this made me feel guilty, I really have to learn how to not let stuff bother me that I can't control. Ouch - more pain!
Ok, now a million thoughts rush through my mind.
Uncle Frankie died at 43. I eat bacon almost every day. I have been under a lot of stress lately. Maybe it isn't chest pain at all. Maybe it will go away. Maybe I should call Michael, tell my boss, call 911....
So I walk back to my office and sit down. I note the time. I'm reminded of being in labor.
I call M. This is five minutes later. It is still killing me. I'm actually scared.
I start to actually think all the delusional thoughts that people who have told me why they waited have thought. These are the same patients I've metaphorically slapped around for pissing away the golden hour. I think - it will go away, maybe it is heartburn (I didn't eat anything), I really don't want to bother anyone if it ends up being nothing... Being equal opportunity - I slap myself down and decide I don't want to die because of denial. Decide that if I'm thinking this way it is even more reason to take it seriously and even if it ends up being 'nothing' I can live with being a safe responsible parent - one who doesn't orphan her children out of stupidity. I'm willing to inconvenience people now. Going on 10 minutes of chest pain, it moves up into my neck....
I take a baby aspirin. (I keep baby aspirin in my desk drawer, because that is what I take for a headache. I take 1 - and then if I still have a headache in 15 minutes, I take another. I usually get by with 80mg... regular aspirin is 325... less is more when it comes to drugs.)
I walk in to talk to the boss. He is so sweet and the concern on his face freaks me out a little and I start to tear up. I am such a baby!!! We come up with a plan.
I don't want to call 911 from work, because they won't take me to 'my' hospital. I worked at Memorial for almost 12 years and started in open heart ICU - if I'm going anywhere it is there.
So a co-worker drives me to my house and I call 911. My boss follows after to bring her back to work. I joke with the paramedics, and tell them where to put my IV, they give me another aspirin and a nitro. It helps, but gives me a headache - I ask, what does this do - give me a headache so I don't notice the chest pain as much... we all laugh... they give me another nitro. I don't mind the headache now that the chest pain feels better. Because the chest pain feels better, now I'm worried. I know if that works then it isn't just B.S. anxiety crap in my head and is really chest pain.... We get to the hospital.
I get in the room answer the inquisition - I mean admission - questions and wait for more.
I call my Mom, not because I want her there (I'm very practical about visitors in the hospital - there is really little point), but because she'll yell at me if I don't call.... Mom, I'm fine, I'm just sitting here waiting....
30 minutes later in walks M. He went home and showered from work and he's here for the long haul...
We talk and the ER doctor comes in. He asks what I was doing, etc - standard questions... I'm embarrassed. I have to tell him in front of my husband that I was thinking about the monster-in-law and had severe crushing chest pain. The docs kind of chuckle and say it's not uncommon (like that makes me feel better - so it is common for in-laws to treat their family like shit and stress them out and give them chest pain) and they let me know that they saw something interesting on the EKG and want to admit me and call the cardiologist.
When they leave I look at M and he says: well, I don't know if I should tell you this now, but I spoke with my mother yesterday. I ask if she called him. He says no - he called her since she called the night she sent that hateful e-mail and he returned her call... I'm not calling any of them.... it still seems a little too polite given the circumstances - I know that's just how he was raised - his family is big into politics - does any of this make more sense now?
So he goes on to give the details of the conversation. She starts by telling him how sorry she feels for him and little M and he stops her right there. Let's her know that just because I was raised to say the things I feel and he wasn't, doesn't mean he doesn't agree with everything I wrote. He says that I have a right to tell them how I feel, but the way they responded to me makes him have to choose. He will choose me. He addresses the issue with the holidays and says every Thanksgiving we wanted them to come over - 'don't you think she wanted to be in the kitchen cooking with you all these years?' and you went to Jacksonville every Easter and the whole family took cruises on Thanksgiving - he says 'do you think we could afford to take a cruise with the 4 of us on Thanksgiving?' She says 'You're wrong'... he says and what about this horseshit of you calling yourself Nonni - when did that happen you were Nana all these years?" She says 'She always picks on A and H'... M says, listen I don't want to talk to you about this on the phone. But, I want you to know that everything she said I agree with and I don't agree with you and H and what you said to her.
He tells me all of this in the ER. Right then my Mom and Brother in law walk in (my sister's husband). We chit chat and talk a bit.... Mom sticks around for a few hours and then realizes that she's not really doing anything and nobody is coming in or anything - I tell her I'll call her if I get news. She goes.
I look at M and tell him - you know it doesn't even matter what you said. They won't ever take responsibility and they will find a way to blame me for everything. I'm sorry I didn't do this earlier. I am so glad he finally told them that it's not OK and No - it isn't me, it is him too.
Not that I was a bitch to them all these years. I went to the holidays. I brought the gifts and food, and played along while they kept me pushed to the periphery. I smiled and tried to hold onto the good of family - whatever that may be - at the holidays.
Truth is: I really don't like Christmas. Now that I lost my sister in December I really don't care much for the whole month. I prefer Easter. I love Spring. But I have kids, and they love Christmas, and we celebrate Advent and it is a good time of togetherness despite, my inner tepidness. Now that my sister passed away, Christmas Eve is at my house. It is kind of stressful, but a good thing anyway.
I wish we had just done it like that all along.
I really don't want to be in the hospital... Dr. Reiss - who I know from working there at Regional all those years comes in. He sees me and smiles and give me a kiss on the cheek and meets my husband - it feels more like meeting friends for a minute, but then it goes back to the reason he's here. We talk and the first ray of light appears.
He's going to do an Echocardiogram, but also he's going to order some swallowing studies too - because an esophageal spasm is commonly brought on by intense stress and the pain is indistinguishable from chest pain. The kick in the pants is that since the esophagus is smooth muscle, the nitro works, so you can't use nitro as the test. In addition, since I'm still having the tightness, it just may be the throat, and not the heart that is to blame. Please stay overnight he says - he knows I don't want to... he has a point... I'll stay.
M and I make plans for him to go home and pack me a bag, etc, when he should come back, and we wait for the room upstairs to be ready.
He never left my side except to go to the bathroom once and then to go home. When he came back early in the morning, I was already down having my Echo done. He was waiting for me when I got back to my room and his smile was a welcome sight.
He wandered through an unfamiliar place to get me coffee when I could finally eat and he even remembered to pack my eyelash curler.
His stock has gone up substantially. I thank him for making me doubt my prior position on his ability to take care of me.
Dr. Reiss comes in again, and the news is fantastic! My heart is seriously very healthy. He thinks I should come and have a stress test to get a baseline since my family history is so bad, but is very happy with how good my heart function is. My blood work is spectacular. I can go home from his point of view. I almost jump with glee!
I eat bacon almost everyday - my theory is correct apparently. If you get enough cholesterol in your diet, your body will not have to manufacture its own. Just don't go crazy. Triglycerides 112 (under 200 is good - I'm half that), Cholesterol 153 (under 200 is 'desirable'), HDL 67 (over 60 is fantastic - the higher the better) LDL 64 (under 100 is optimal - I'm well under that) Woo-hoo! Resting Heart rate 49-51, Blood Pressure avg 100-60.
The amazing thing - is that my sodium was low (not dangerously so - but under the low end of normal) - if you know me you know that I eat salt like it is going out of style - because of the low BP it helps me to not pass out when I stand up... So they checked the kidney function and it turns out they are functioning super-well - (must be the flax seed oil I take intermittently)
Bottom line: I'm a healthy little mo-fo. But I need to work on my stress, and see a GI (stomach) doctor to schedule some tests on my swallowing - since I refused the barium swallow.
The issue with the barium is this: I tend to be a little 'slow' in the elimination department. I combat this by drinking a large glass of water and a large V8 every morning - the fiber helps. I also keep dried fruit in my desk and snack on that during the day. Even with all that I go once in a day, and can't go in public restrooms. If I miss my chance - I'm waiting until the next day, and if I miss that one, I'm not feeling so good. I didn't go yet the morning I went into the hospital and couldn't go while I was there - to put barium on top of that mess was asking for trouble.
I took barium once before. I had a stress induced ulcer when I worked in Trauma (I was 24) - I was doing a lot and sleeping a little, and drinking way too much caffeine. It was like drinking cement and so think that even when I gagged, I couldn't bring it up and was dry heaving - and then, despite drinking tons of water and prune juice and taking laxatives, it was like crapping concrete....
Not a good idea - Dr. Reiss respected that.
So I got out after one day - I'm still having chest pain, but know It's nothing serious. The in-laws were told they were wrong. They will never see it that way and I get to know that. The hubby is a good guy after all. My heart is healthy. My co-workers are stand up folks. I can still eat bacon.
See, the silver lining is all there.... and more.....
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